The Brown Sugar Project

Now, I'm no writer (and certainly not a poet), but while I was at my parents' house a couple of weekends ago, I came across this old journal I had back in NYC. In there, I would write my reflections about my clients, among other things, while I was taking the R from Queens back into Manhattan. I found this musing scrawled on a wrinkled page with my attempt to draw an eye right next to it. I don't remember what compelled me to write this then, but I thought I would post it anyway.

I guess sharing this is a way to help me refocus the original intent of the blog, which was to deal with my own "bicultrual strain" (or, to be more clinically appropriate, bicultural identity integration-lord, I'm such a therapist) along with connect with others who are also Desi through the blogsphere. Also, I would contribute it to watching "The Grace Lee Project" on Sundance this past Friday.

Don't fret, though, I will keep the boy stories coming, too ;-).

At least you'll get a laugh at this below for now :-P


The Desi Stare

There you are standing there, looking at me,
across the subway platform, a fellow desi

are you trying to unravel who I am with your stare,
size me up, look me down, figure me out,

are you trying to catch a glimpse of my inner soul, my karma, my chances of nirvana,

are you trying to find a bond, a connection in this land,

are you expecting me to approach you, to greet you, to embrace you

or are you expecting me to look at the ground when our eyes meet

are you wondering what the two of us are doing here in the same place, two people, same background at the same time?

Funny thing is, I'm wondering the same thing about you...

What am I doing in SF?

Well, at least I don't have to deal with the cold in the winter and the humidity during the summer. Thanks Tamasha for the link :-)

You Are 80% NYC




You are probably a real New Yorker, though there's a good chance you really live on Long Island.

Pillow Fight in SF

equals great stress reliever ;-)

pic from: http://laughingsquid.com/pillow-fight-in-san-francisco/

The Best Thing About Valentine's Day...

is February 15th when all the candy is 50% off...

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt that you were meant for something more? That maybe you are pursuing the wrong things, that maybe you are not fulfilling your destiny? This is kinda how I am feeling at this point, at this moment of my life, sitting at my work computer trying to type out a grant proposal. Now, I should be excited about writing this since it's a proposal for my baby, my program that I developed and nurtured into fruition over the past year. Also, this grant is to fund my position for the next three years. It's a program that's unique to the city that I've enjoyed sharing and teaching for a year. But now, I'm sick and tired of it, dread teaching it, and even abhor putting in the effort to write a grant to renew my program. I've been feeling this way a lot towards this job. It's funny, my workshop helps students realize their potential through a series of activities where students take inventory of their interests, their values, and their skills to find their career paths. Here I am at almost 28 (5 more weeks to go) and I'm still trying to figure out how to fulfill my potential, to find a path-and I'm a career counselor (for this year, at least).

For a long time I thought I would find my path in school, both undergrad and grad, both in a rural setting like Davis, CA and a bustling city like NYC, but I ended up more confused than ever. While I am working at a nonprofit I believe in with youth that make me smile, I still feel unfulfilled. I leave work every day not feeling elated but ready to run and do something else, be it hang out with my friends, seeing a show, making a piece of jewelry, shopping, movies, whatever it may be. Yet I've lost that passion after only one year of working at this postition. Maybe it's my overly perky co-workers, maybe it's the ever changing climate of working at a nonprofit, or maybe it might be that I get bored way too quickly with things. I've never held a job for no more than year-part of it because of circumstances and part of it because of the sheer misery of doing the same thing over and over again (at least I have an interesting resume). Although on the surface everyone (including the city of SF perhaps) might say that I am doing an amazing job, fulfilling my duties, I still don't feel fulfilled. I've slowly have been retreating into my cubicle, staring at the computer and decorating my cubicle to make it more interesting to me instead of working. It's hard to escape my co-workers, especially in a tiny office of 12. Not sure if a job switch is the answer, but it's looking tempting. But what would I do? Is this what life is all about-working at the same thing over and over again? Loving your co-workers in the beginning, but later wanting to punch them in the mouth? (I'm not a physically violent person ever-that's why I work out- so it's weird but also strangely comforting to think about it). I don't know maybe I'm normal or maybe I'm just still figuring out things, or maybe I need to go back into therapy again. Not even sure if these words are making any sense, but hey, at least I got these thoughts down and can go back to writing this grant.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Thanks Tamasha for tagging me-I'm honored... :-)

Well, here we go...

Three things that scare me:
1. Being alone
2. The direction this country is going in
3. Losing hope/inspiration

Three people who make me laugh:
1. My "Thursday Night Drinking Crew"-all 7 of them
2. the XBBF from NYC
3. My Bro

Three things I love:
1. Tivo
2. My hands wrapped around a warm mug of coffee
3. My Family and Friends (gotta include both) :-)

Three things I hate:
1. Fake-people
2. SF's Public Transportation
3. Valentine's Day

Three things I don't understand:
1. Men
2. Love
3. Men + Love

Three things on my desk:
1. A box of peach green tea
2. Clippings of my favorite Pisces horoscopes and fortune cookie slips
3. An autographed poster from Ramesh Srivastava of Voxtrot (can you say hottie!)

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. Watching E!'s follow-up to the Grammy's
2. Recovering from a fever and sore throat (at least I didn't have to go to work)
3. Finishing some murgh tikka masala and garlic naan from Naan-N-Curry (not the best for a sore throat, but comforting)

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Fall in love for real
2. Travel to every continent
3. Design my own jewelry line

Three things I can do:
1. Put a unique outfit together and make a necklace to match
2. Flirt
3. Build myself back up after a defeat

Three things you should listen to:
1. Your inner-voice
2. Your mother
3. Muse

Three things you should never listen to:
1. Mean People
2. George Bush-y
3. Hallmark

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. To wrap a sari
2. Rolling a sushi roll
3. How to ride a motorcycle.

Three favorite foods:
1. Anything from my Mommy's kitchen ;-)
2. See's Candy
3. Bhatura Cholle from Vik's Chaat House in Berkeley

Three beverages I drink regularly:
1. Fat Tire
2. Peet's Major Dickason's Blend Coffee
3. Sparkling water

Three TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid:
1. Tom & Jerry
2. He-Man
3. Days of Our Lives (my Mom was addicted)

Three people I would like to tag (my fellow SFers):
1. Audrey
2. agk
3. MA

So I have this friend...

I've kinda been in a huge slump for a couple of weeks. Part of it is being uncerimoniously dumped and the other part is going through all this grant stuff for work (but the guy thing is more on my mind, of course). While I may not be writing about it, I've been talking to friends, drinking, eating, working out, and some other naughty stuff ;-). One person I've always shared my trials and tribulations with is AR. We always talk on the phone, e-mail, text, but the funny thing is we never met. Unlike the blogging community where there communication is mostly written, with us we call each other in the middle of the night-usually drunk (hey, for a dialing drunk like me, it's better to have him to call than one of the ex's) and text and chat on almost a daily basis. I met him on CL when he was "looking for an attractive Indian woman". At that time I was unemployed and between looking for jobs on CL, I would peruse the personals for fun (and the casual encounters for a laugh). Call it my feminist nature (or more like sheer boredom), I replied to the post basically saying "WTF! Why do all you guys go for attractive?" and he wrote back with "WTF! You girls do the same thing" and from that debate, it lead to us exchanging more e-mails and eventually numbers. Now, why have I never met this guy you ask? As nice as he is, he also is kinda dumb in that when he wrote his initial personal on CL, he didn't realize when you log into craigslist.org, it's for the SF Bay Area. With him logging on from Houston, he thought he was posting in his city, but alas now he knows. Now we've been friends for over a year and we still haven't met. AR now lives in Denver and even though he's closer to SF, we still have not met. Not that I'm looking for anything romantic from him, but it would be interesting to meet the man behind the voice, especially after the past craziness...

This past weekend, he sent me this e-mail and seriously, more than any of my "live friends" he seems to be taking on the role of a therapist and I love it. I think that these steps will hopefully get me out of this slump. Any other ideas?

okay brownsugar.......i know we've been talking for a while as u can see from this email....and lately u've been acting weird and i think u should ease up on the whole guy thing......thinking about guys 24-7 isn't going to solve anything.........and getting ur PhD isn't going to help you forget......u have to make a lifestyle change if u really wanna make things work.......maybe u need a fresh start in san fran....i've been in denver for 6 months and i'm looking for a fresh start in a few weeks, i've had many fresh starts in college too when i was there..and even in texas.....it's always good to have a fresh start....here are some tips for your fresh start:

* u complain u are fat, so hit the gym and work out and set some goals to lose weight instead of complaining...it is easy to lose weight at this age...but not when ur older

* u claim u're ugly so get a makeover, it's not hard, and it's more common than u think.....get a makeoverand start wearing makeup and get a hairstyle change and start channeling some perfumes for your newstart....hit up a make over salon or something

* are you happy with ur job? are you really making what u should?...u have a master's degree so why are u not settling for the best u can get? u should look for something better for urself, just get your resume ready and get out there....

* why not move to another part of town? meet new people? sell ur stuff on CL and buy all new stuff for a new apt. ....make a fresh start and forget about the past guys, delete their names, numbers, email address, whatever u have to do.......

start it over i think these things can channel out your guy frustrations and help you get where u wanna be, but u can't get anywhere if you don't do anything.....