Have you ever?

Have you ever felt that you were meant for something more? That maybe you are pursuing the wrong things, that maybe you are not fulfilling your destiny? This is kinda how I am feeling at this point, at this moment of my life, sitting at my work computer trying to type out a grant proposal. Now, I should be excited about writing this since it's a proposal for my baby, my program that I developed and nurtured into fruition over the past year. Also, this grant is to fund my position for the next three years. It's a program that's unique to the city that I've enjoyed sharing and teaching for a year. But now, I'm sick and tired of it, dread teaching it, and even abhor putting in the effort to write a grant to renew my program. I've been feeling this way a lot towards this job. It's funny, my workshop helps students realize their potential through a series of activities where students take inventory of their interests, their values, and their skills to find their career paths. Here I am at almost 28 (5 more weeks to go) and I'm still trying to figure out how to fulfill my potential, to find a path-and I'm a career counselor (for this year, at least).

For a long time I thought I would find my path in school, both undergrad and grad, both in a rural setting like Davis, CA and a bustling city like NYC, but I ended up more confused than ever. While I am working at a nonprofit I believe in with youth that make me smile, I still feel unfulfilled. I leave work every day not feeling elated but ready to run and do something else, be it hang out with my friends, seeing a show, making a piece of jewelry, shopping, movies, whatever it may be. Yet I've lost that passion after only one year of working at this postition. Maybe it's my overly perky co-workers, maybe it's the ever changing climate of working at a nonprofit, or maybe it might be that I get bored way too quickly with things. I've never held a job for no more than year-part of it because of circumstances and part of it because of the sheer misery of doing the same thing over and over again (at least I have an interesting resume). Although on the surface everyone (including the city of SF perhaps) might say that I am doing an amazing job, fulfilling my duties, I still don't feel fulfilled. I've slowly have been retreating into my cubicle, staring at the computer and decorating my cubicle to make it more interesting to me instead of working. It's hard to escape my co-workers, especially in a tiny office of 12. Not sure if a job switch is the answer, but it's looking tempting. But what would I do? Is this what life is all about-working at the same thing over and over again? Loving your co-workers in the beginning, but later wanting to punch them in the mouth? (I'm not a physically violent person ever-that's why I work out- so it's weird but also strangely comforting to think about it). I don't know maybe I'm normal or maybe I'm just still figuring out things, or maybe I need to go back into therapy again. Not even sure if these words are making any sense, but hey, at least I got these thoughts down and can go back to writing this grant.